


a galaxy's weight

by thegothgal



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic (Video Game)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Class Story, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, oc: kaizen amhi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-09-18 23:24:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20321248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegothgal/pseuds/thegothgal
Summary: Kaizen Amhi defeated the Sith Emperor. No longer certain of his purpose, he stationed himself on Nar Shaddaa to protect its citizens, but the compartmentalized trauma of losing control over his own mind might have affected him more than he’s willing to admit.





	a galaxy's weight

**Author's Note:**

> if you follow [my tumblr](https://ghostlygal.tumblr.com), I’m sure you have an idea of how much I love delving into my jedi’s mindset throughout the game. this little piece is the result of spending much time considering the aftermath of the class story and how he might need to seek help.
> 
> tw: alcohol, casual sex [not between the jk and kira], depictions of violence [incl. child injury], emotional distress

Erratic bursts of blasterfire echoed down the walkway. _One_, Kai counted. _Two_. _Three_, _four_. _Five_. Judging by all of the noise, it had to be multiple shooters, probably a gang fight if he had to guess. A shrill scream broke through the night and carried over the music and advertisements playing in overhead speakers and speeders zipping through the hyperlanes. He bolted in the direction that it seemed to be coming from, not bothering to slow his sprint as he leapt over a pile of stacked crates, his cloak fluttering angrily behind him.

Rounding the corner at the far end of the walkway, he found the source of the commotion. He skidded to a stop and ducked behind a container as a bolt scorched the wall behind him. That hardly fazed him, though. What really had his attention was the skirmish in such an open part of the sector and the human woman draped over a bundle in her lap in the middle of it. At a closer look, he realized that the bundle was a small child, dark red pooling beneath both of them.

Kai sucked in a deep breath, already igniting his lightsabers at his sides as he left his cover. It took the gang members a few seconds to notice his approach, but when they did, they turned their blasterfire on him. He deepened his focus into the Force to anticipate and deflect with a series of complicated motions with his blades. He let the bolts hit the floor near their feet, trying to draw the attention to himself to buy enough time until he saw the woman drag herself and her child behind another container.

After that, it didn’t take too long to dispatch them. His lightsabers were an extension of him, batting off most of the blasterfire, only missing one that grazed his left thigh. A hiss escaped through his teeth. He leapt in close, knocking aside blasters and rifles and dodging vibroknives, and weaved around them as he interfered with their fight.

Only some of them fell—not dead, only injured as far as necessary to stop them—but a few others retreated, most likely back to their respective leaders. Kai sensed the frantic energy of the woman and the flickering life of the youngling from their hiding place. He followed the smear of red across the duracrete floor towards them as he reclipped his lightsabers to his sides.

The child had her head pillowed in the woman’s lap, tears streaming from her clenched eyes, and her skin paled with a sickly pallor. Her tiny hands were covered by her mother’s and both were wet and crimson with blood over her stomach. Blasterfire didn’t cause an injury like that, searing and cauterizing as soon as it hit, but the cause was the least of his concerns. The harrowing fact was that if the little girl didn’t get to an infirmary soon, she would not make it.

“Master Jedi,” the woman croaked, blinking her red-rimmed blue eyes as she looked up at him. “Please, help.”

“I’ll do what I can. Keep her awake.”

As the woman nodded and started to murmur at her child—at least, if she was her child, Kai peeled off his gauntlets to reach for the bundles of gauze tucked into his belt. And then he was babbling himself, trying to soothe both of them between his words and projections of ease through the Force at them, as he pressed it against her and it elicited a shriek that dissolved into hysterical sobbing. He held it with one hand while he fumbled with the other for a bandage that he hoped would be large enough. It ended up being a messy job clearly done in haste that would set Doc off on a tangent if he saw it, but all he needed was to stop the bleeding long enough to get her to someone who could help.

For a moment, Kai met the mother’s gaze. Desperation and fear hit him like a cold slap to his chest. He let it subside, not entirely sure if it was even coming from within her or himself but needing to stop it, determined not to allow the panic to overtake his control of the situation.

“No one’s going to come this far down for her,” she blurted, her lip quivering as she tried not to openly sob. She had a point, as unfortunate as it was. Emergency services were probably needed all over the moon, especially further down the levels where they were, and if they did make it, they had to get through Exchange territory among the other smaller gangs first. “What do I do?”

“I can take her. The main infirmary in the mid levels, near the Corellian sector. Can you make it on your own?”

“I— Yes. Go, please, Master Jedi.”

“I’ll make sure she gets there.”

Actually wearing his cloak for once came in handy. He yanked it over his head, swaddling it around the youngling and tucking her close to his chest, and tied it secure around both of them. She placed a sticky hand to his neck as murmuring bubbled out of her, too quiet to understand. He sensed her fading and hurried to his feet. Not sparing another glance back at the mother, he sprinted back down the walkway that he had come from when he first heard the commotion.

But running was getting him nowhere at the rate that the youngling was losing consciousness. He scanned for anything he could use as he reached some sort of residential zone, nearly sighing in relief at the sight of a parked speederbike. It clearly belonged to someone, but the Force and fate appeared to be on his side, noting that it wasn’t locked and he climbed astride it.

After settling in the seat, he glanced down at the youngling. “What’s your name?”

“Nika,” she managed to force out.

“Okay, Nika. This is going to be a rough ride, but I need you to stay awake, and don’t let go of me.”

At her little nod, Kai started the bike. It roared to life and leaped into motion as he messed with the controls. His piloting skills were a little rusty, not that they were ever great to begin with, but spending so much time on Nar Shaddaa was beginning to get him the hang of it. He still worried about Nika, if he was jostling her every time he made a sharp turn to edge past a pack of akk dogs and beings with blaster rifles strapped to their backs.

He didn’t stop until he reached the closest taxi platform, making a haphazard leap from the powering down speederbike. After a hurried argument with the droid driver, they were off again, headed for the Corellian sector.

Reaching their destination started to get a little touch-and-go. Nika let out a high-pitched keen as he jogged, holding her as steady as possible with one hand splayed over her back outside of his cloak. Her signature flickered. Kai gritted his teeth, lengthening his strides as much as he could. The infirmary was so close now.

“Nika, we’re almost there,” he muttered. “Stay with me.”

The tiny arms wrapped around his neck tightened in response. Weak, but making an effort. The gesture flooded relief through him. He kept talking to her, trying to encourage her and remind her how strong and good she was doing. He managed to burst through the doors of the infirmary before she finally lost consciousness. Removing his cloak, he passed her off to the medical staff.

But he refused to leave. For a while, he paced the room until his left leg trembled, remembering with sudden clarity that he had his own injury. He slipped to the ‘fresher to slap a kolto patch onto his thigh to hold him off until he got home. By the time he was done, Nika’s mother had arrived. She grasped at his forearm before he could go.

“Thank you,” she breathed, pausing to cover her mouth with her shaking hand. “I— I don’t know how I could ever repay you.”

“You don’t need to. It’s a Jedi’s duty to serve.”

After knowing that they were set and Nika was receiving care, he left.

Another fight between gangs. An attempted robbery, the would-be thief bolting through the lower Promenade markets. Another blaster shot nailing him in the shoulder. Boxes of Republic military-issued ration bars distributed among the refugees occupying a makeshift shelter.

By the time he shuffled into his flat, dawn had broken. Not that he ever really saw sunlight on Nar Shaddaa, a moon of tall buildings and flashing holosigns everywhere he looked. But he managed to push himself through a sonic shower and bandage his wounds before collapsing on his bed to finally rest, fast asleep before his head even hit the pillow.

+++

The next day was going no better than the previous.

Or the next two nights after that one.

His arms throbbed and his skin stuck to his gauntlets already sealed with blood. It was going to sting when they came off, but Kai tried not to think about it. He also tried not to think about a small toddler in an infirmary bed, sniffling despite the bundled blanket around her as he watched through the transparisteel barrier. He tried not to think about it when the medical droids tried to stop him every other hallway as their receptors spotted him limping past them. He tried not to think about it as he broke up beating after beating and one mugging after another, trying to keep an entire moon of greed and desperation in check.

Just one more, he kept telling himself. One more gang territorial dispute split before things could escalate worse. One more container cleared of hostage citizens, most likely predestined for Hutta in chains. One more illegal tech trade busted with the SIS tipped off on the shop’s location. One more elderly Nautolan helped back into her flat after locking herself out in the lower levels. Just one more.

When he finally made it home, he barely managed to apply his own sutures and a handful of kolto slathered over himself before falling asleep hunched over his knees with his bandaged hands in his hair. His chest was too tight and simmering with frustration at Nar Shaddaa and the galaxy and the war, wanting all of it to be better, and at himself for not being a good enough Jedi to make any of it happen.

What good was stopping the Emperor if it only perpetuated a power vortex in a still ongoing war? What good was he now that his supposed destiny was fulfilled and nothing had changed?

And what purpose did he have if he could only be used for violence?

Kai opened his eyes when flashes of people on their knees and blood on his hands, cackling laughter that grew louder and louder, and the worried face of Master Orgus all flitted through his dream. He couldn’t sleep again, not even in his actual bed, so he ignored the pulsing ache in his joints as he worked himself into exhaustion on the hanging bags of sand at the nearby gym until he couldn’t do that either, and staggered home again as lights flickered on across the neon skyline.

+++

Kai glanced over the rim of his glass at the rest of the nightclub around him. Neon lighting filtered over the bodies of people dancing as the musicians changed songs, their upbeat music filling the room over the crowd’s chatter and seemingly pulsating with the holographic dancers. The atmosphere was different from his last several evenings, a nice change of pace from everything else.

Half-emptied drink in hand, he made his way onto the dance floor. He joined the others moving to the beat, seeing the orange light shift to pink then blue as it cast over his deep green skin, mesmerized by the energy surrounding him.

A pair of hands found purchase on his waist. Glancing over his shoulder, the hands fell away again, and he followed them up a pair of toned arms to a broad chest under a tight shirt leading to their owner. A Zabrak man, most likely Iridonian by the warm beige of his skin and tattoo pattern. He flashed Kai a bright grin, leaning close enough that he caught the musky scent of his cologne.

“I’m Daran,” he said, “but a nice face like you can call me Ran.”

Kai hid his snort behind the rim of his glass. “Does that line usually work?”

“No. But it does make a half-decent icebreaker.”

“Kai,” he eventually said, then gave his glass a slight shake. “Getting myself another drink. Want anything?”

“I’ll go with you.”

Probably for the best, Kai figured. He was never one to trust anyone else to get him a drink unless Kira was ordering for him. Not that he had to worry as much, given his built resistance to most poisons courtesy of his training, but it was better to be safe, especially on Nar Shaddaa. Even more so for civilians like Daran.

Not that Daran seemed as interested in a drink as he did in hooking up with him. He sidled up to Kai’s side at the bar, close enough that he could feel the warmth of his body through his shirt. Kai leaned over the counter as the Zeltron bartender with a multitude of piecings that outmatched his own approached, rattling off the order in her ear so she could hear, hyperaware of the hand settling on the small of his back.

But for as forward as Daran was being, and as stilted as his opening line was, he actually kept up a decent conversation. They settled at a booth in the far corner to talk while they nursed their drinks. As the amber liquid in Kai’s glass lowered and Daran shifted closer and closer to him, though, it was clear where things were heading.

Kai tossed back the last of his drink and rose to his feet. He gestured for Daran to follow him, reaching for him as he started to cross the floor. His hand was sweaty as he grasped Daran’s wrist and pulled him through the crowd. Not that Daran seemed to mind, trailing behind him in a zig-zag between dancing bodies and around the bar until they reached the ‘fresher, and then he was the one tugging Kai into a stall.

The door rattled as Kai pushed him against it. He felt the vibration of Daran’s laugh more than he heard it as he pressed his lips to the hollow of his throat, trailing up to his jaw until he reached his mouth. Daran curled a hand around the back of his neck, deepening the kiss as his tongue slipped past the seal of his lips, and gave a low groan as Kai wedged his thigh between his legs.

Maybe it was wrong to lose himself in what he was doing for a reprieve from his thoughts. Not that this sort of thing was new to him, having taken to exploring the galaxy a little more thoroughly in the independence he was given after passing his trials, but losing touch with the years of training that taught him self-control and discipline should probably concern him. Instead of meditating on all the things that were bothering him, he was pushing them aside in favor of the sharp sting of his hair being pulled while he was on his knees and the crashing waves of pleasure with another man’s hand down his pants.

But then again, no amount of his routine meditation for contemplation and reflection had yet to help him come to terms with any of it. His skin seemed to buzz with his restless energy as he sat cross-legged on the floor for hours after he finally made it home, staring at the shadows dancing on the far wall and wishing he could be even half the Jedi that he was supposed to be.

+++

Kai used his left arm to hold his weight against the wall. The warehouse was seemingly endless, despite the holo signs in Aurebesh claiming a turbolift right around the corner, its passages winding and full of bulky Gamorreans and Trandoshans with high-powered blasters and flash grenades. Someone drugged him with something, got a dart past his armor on his neck and pierced his skin. His throat itched and he coughed.

He had his training to fall back on, concentrating on the Force to steady his racing heart—slow enough to delay whatever was pumping through his veins, but not too slow, otherwise he would pass out before he could reach safety. He already felt too close to collapse, his head so fuzzy and his limbs prickling like fire. He vaguely remembered a blaster bolt catching his right shoulder. Maybe the same one from earlier in the week. Hells, he didn’t know anymore. All he did know was that he had an antidote kit from Doc if he could just make it back to his flat.

The turbolift was dead when he reached it. He knew because he slammed a fist at the sensor, but nothing happened. Someone probably shut it down when they spotted him in the warehouse. Closing his eyes, he ignored the burning in his shoulder as he raised his arms, grunting through his teeth as he pried open the door with as much of the Force as he could spare. Breathless from the effort, he stumbled into the chamber and tilted his head to the ceiling.

The warehouse sat just a floor below the level that Kai needed to be on to reach a speeder taxi. He stared at the smooth, curved durasteel as he unclipped one of his lightsabers, igniting it and seeing the yellow glow fill the edges of his blurry vision, and stabbed it into the ceiling. The metal burned red hot around the blade as he carved a haphazard ring until it dropped to the floor and bounced with an unceremonious clang.

After reclipping his hilt, he drew in a shaking breath. He squatted low despite his trembling calves and opened himself deeper to the Force, immediately flooded with power and insight into the life around him that would overwhelm him if he didn’t keep a hold on his control, then propelled himself through the hole he created. A gasp ripped from his throat as he landed on top of the turbolift, his feet spread apart and angled over the curvature. Stars littered his vision and he wobbled for a second before slumping against the durasteel interior for support. The muscles beneath his armor spasmed and cramped for a few seconds so long that he groaned, aching to just lie down, but he knew he couldn’t.

And it was only going to get worse.

Kai glanced up the wall to examine it—mostly smooth like the inside of the turbolift aside from stray cords, nothing to use for hand or foot holds. He didn’t have a grappling hook with him, because he wasn’t really prepared for this sort of thing, and as far as he could tell, the maintenance cables were missing. He evaluated his options carefully before pushing himself upright again.

His gauntlets had spiked deflectors along the forearm clasp. He checked them, thumbing at them to see how much they budged. They were sturdy. Not that they ever had to hold his weight before, but he supposed that had to be tested at some point. Might as well be then.

Kai positioned his arms and slammed the spikes into the wall. One trembling, slipping grasp at a time, he dragged himself up the interior, the spikes biting into the smooth surface just enough to hold him until the next. The slamming of gauntlets into durasteel reverberated in the enclosed chamber. He was growing dizzier by the minute and staring up the wall wasn’t helping. He bit his lip hard enough to break the skin, desperately trying to wake himself from his daze.

But he made it. His consciousness blipped in and out from the moment he half-pulled, half-dragged the weight of his body through the next level, stumbling his way to the taxi platform. His muscles were cramping, and his chest was too tight, each breath sounding more like a wheeze as he crashed through his flat for the kit stashed among his supplies.

The antidote took a while to course through his veins. He settled on the couch to wait, not bothering to change out of his armor caked in blood and grime or push the sweaty hair from his face. His throat was sore and dry and he felt weightless and hollow all over. But once he was certain it would work, he could finally let sleep take him under in his actual bed, and when the next day came, he would be ready to start again, be the antidote for someone else.

+++

Morning arrived with lights pouring through the transparisteel window directly onto his face. Kai burrowed into the blankets with a groan, his entire body sore like he tossed himself into an active trash compactor. He thought he had fallen back asleep, but then the mattress dipped as if someone just sat near his legs, and panic briefly set in before he sensed a familiar presence. Warmth. Concern. A peek over his shoulder from the depths of his makeshift cocoon confirmed that it was only Kira, staring back at him with an unreadable expression.

“Hey...” Kai started, trailing off as his voice cut on him, too hoarse to properly form words. He swallowed despite how small and tight his throat felt and tried again. “Did we have plans?”

“No. Just thought I’d drop by to see if you were still alive. You look terrible, by the way.”

“Thanks.”

“What happened?”

“Busted a pit fighting ring,” Kai mumbled into his pillow.

“Huh. All by yourself?” When he didn’t answer, Kira sighed, placing a light hand on his ankle over the blanket. “Have you gotten out of bed at all?”

“What time is it?”

“Half past three in the afternoon.”

Maybe he did fall asleep for a lot longer than he thought. Kai tried to roll onto his back, wincing at the pull in his abdomen and shoulder as he pushed off the mattress with his left elbow. Kira’s eyes flitted over him as if piecing together all of the bruises, bandages, and exhaustion that he was sure were obvious even if she couldn’t just sense it for herself.

“Kai,” she began again, “what are you doing?”

“Well, I was sleeping.”

“Don’t be an ass. You know what I mean.”

He sighed. “Let me go shower so we can get food and you can tear into me then.”

“Fine. You’re paying, though.”

He tried to wave her off, but she had already left the room, which was just as well. He really did need to shower. It took him longer than usual, struggling to move with how stiff his muscles were in the aftermath of the toxin, and probably how banged up he had gotten on top of it, but at least he was clean when it was done.

Their usual diner that they went to whenever Kira visited was starting to fill with people as they arrived. It was one of the least concerning places to eat that they trusted on the chaotic moon, let alone actually enjoyed. Not to mention they wouldn’t question the darkening bruises on his face and the visible skin of his arms. However, Kira barely waited for him to settle in his seat before returning to their conversation from the flat.

“You know this isn’t healthy, right? Running yourself ragged, isolating yourself—”

“I’m not isolating,” he muttered around a bite of food.

Kira didn’t look convinced. “Who have you socialized with lately? Criminals you fight and guys you bring home after a night out don’t count.”

“I talked to Jomar a few days ago. Bengel not too long before that.”

“What about in person?”

Kai shrugged, taking another bite of food as he thought about it. Maybe she had a point. “There’s a guy who I help on jobs sometimes. Break up a trafficking ring, get drinks after, that sort of thing.”

“Are you dating him?”

“I don’t date. You know that.”

“Maybe you should.”

“Kira.”

“Yeah, I know. The Council’s rule. That you don’t apply to anyone but yourself.” She watched him, pausing to sip her drink. “I’m not trying to make you mad. I just think you’re too hard on yourself and can do with letting go a little.“

Kai balled his hands beside his plate. “I can’t let go.”

At that, Kira’s face softened, but neither of them said anything else about it. Instead, they talked about how things were going back on Tython, how Kira had been spending time around the Temple in their lapse of missions together. He found himself smiling as she laughed about something ridiculous that one of the Masters had done, realizing how much he had missed her.

Of course, she still held him to paying the bill.

Not that he was going to refuse.

By the time that they made it back to his flat, though, all of the thoughts had come creeping back into his mind. Not only an entire week of stress that emulated the weeks and months and nearly a year before it, but an entire existential crisis and memories of something he had compartmentalized so deeply for so long. Kira seemed to sense it, letting him sit in lapsed silence as they watched the rush hour traffic flitting in the hyperlanes from his balcony.

“Lately, I feel like Master Orgus would be disappointed in me,” Kai admitted.

Kira glanced at him with a frown. “Why do you say that?”

“Everyone always said it was my destiny to stop... _him_,” he said after a moment, his voice soft yet seeming so loud in their shared quiet. “So I pushed aside everything else to stop him. And I did. Now I don’t know what to do with myself. I keep searching for ways to help people, but it seems like all I’m good for is violence.” He leaned his face into his hands. “I can’t even sleep without replaying all the things I did under his control.”

Kira placed a hand light on his back. “Fighting the way we do never feels good, especially after what we’ve been through. But you’re a good Jedi, worth all the fuss that everyone makes about you, and you know I’m not just saying that.”

“I don’t know how to go back.”

“You don’t. You just have to move forward, one day at a time.”

Kai lolled his head, giving her a wry smirk. “And why didn’t you get made a Council member?”

“Because I have to be around to bail you out of trouble,” Kira said, laughing, though they both knew the real reason. He still thought she deserved the position. “Look, seriously, I know what it’s like to be alone with the lingering fear of him in your head and how all of that goes. You don’t have to be alone with it, though. Talk to me, talk to the Council, talk to someone. Okay?”

Kai swallowed around the lump in his throat. “Yeah. Okay.”

“And stop letting yourself be a punching bag for all of Nar Shaddaa.”

“No promises.”

Kira shot him a look, but gave him a soft pat to his back before reaching for his holocomm. “I have the frequency for the Jedi outreach here on Narsh. You don’t have to go, but they might be able to help, too.”

After that, she said her goodbyes, needing to head back to Tython, but that easy camaraderie that he had around her for the last few years reminded him that she was right. He needed people as much as he felt like the galaxy needed him to protect it. And maybe everything else wouldn’t be fixed in one day, but the journey was a process.

Kai glanced at his holocomm once the doors had closed behind her. Checking the frequency that she had programmed, he thought about it. He didn’t know what they could do for him, or what use he could be for them, but it was probably worth a shot, he figured.


End file.
